Friday, April 22, 2016

Touching Base, Part 303

24 April 16
Series: Discipleship - The Life of Being an Apprentice, Pt 2
Relationally Healthy- Part 2



This is a useful tool for small group discussion, personal reflection or in a one-on-one conversation. We believe that if the Sunday teaching in this series is discussed outside the morning services, it will be an opportunity to go deeper and build community because God's Word needs to be discussed in community.

Last week we started a series that will help us define more clearly a key part of our vision, “We will glorify God and make disciples by Responding to the Heart of God and transforming the heart of the City, the Nation and the World”. What does it look like to respond to God’s heart? At Bethel we have developed 5 key statements that help capture the essence of the heart of discipleship. They are broad enough to be inclusive of the vast scope of teaching in the area of discipleship, and yet they are specific enough to be understood as standalone statements.

They are:
• Diligently Seeking God
• Prayerfully Engaged
• Relationally Healthy
• Biblically Measured
• Fully Committed to the Whole Gospel for the Whole World

This morning we continue with part 2- Relationally Healthy.

Big Idea: It’s On Me! (In other words it is on us to take responsibility for relational health)
Our outline is Reckon, Rumble, and Revolution. Our focus today is on revolution. Please read last week’s TB, part 1, which can be downloaded on our website.

Revolution
Text: Matthew 18:15

1. “If he listens to you, …”

Jesus' words shift the focus from the goer to the receiver. Note the conjunction “if”. There are no guarantees that, even if we reckon and rumble well, that the receiver will receive well. This conjunction may explain why going is so difficult.
- What if she doesn't receive what I have to say?
- What if he has a hissy fit?
- What if I get rejected?
Jesus knows full well the sinful nature of human beings. He knows we don’t always do well with feedback. Thus –“if”
Do you do well with negative feedback?
Do you purr like a kitten or growl like a dog?

Grade yourself - better yet have someone who knows you well do this.

Why can we be lousy receivers?

Here are two suggestions. (I am sure you could add to this)

Blind spot - we have no idea of the offense or sin we have committed and thus, when confronted, we are surprised, taken off guard and perhaps a little defensive.

Hard spot - our hearts are hard, we really don’t care about the sin in our relationship, we have no time for the “goer” coming to us and wasting our time.

I love what Brené Brown says about this. She calls this “armoring up!”
“As children we found ways to protect ourselves from vulnerability, from being hurt, diminished, and disappointed. We put on armor; we used our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors as weapons; and we learned how to make ourselves scarce, even to disappear. Now as adults we realize that to live with courage, purpose, and connection— to be the person whom we long to be— we must again be vulnerable. We must take off the armor, put down the weapons, show up, and let ourselves be seen.” Brown, Brené (2012-09-11). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead (p. 112). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

How hard can taking off the armor be in a relationship?

Let’s dig a little deeper and see why taking off the armor and being a good receiver can be so difficult.

Two reasons:

- Tethered - Have you ever had a disproportionate emotional response to someone addressing something in your life? Felt like you stepped on a landmine? Sometimes it’s a clue that the issue being addressed could be tethered to something else – something historical that’s unresolved and that occasionally gets triggered in the present. We illustrated this with the suitcase.

- Gaps - Sometimes when we are confronted as Jesus describes in Matthew 18 we fill in the gaps. We come to automatic conclusions that cause us to armor up. Here are some statements that we fill in the gaps with.
“I am not worthy! This conflict is just another example of my unworthiness.”
“I can never do anything right.”
“I knew I should never have trusted.”

Think about how this makes marriage, friendship, Life Groups, work teams difficult! Yikes! We are all guilty!

Once you as the goer have stepped onto a landmine what do you do? Run? Armor up?

I love this quote,
“Perhaps the most important ministry you do today is listening well to someone’s pain all the way to the bottom.”- David Mathis

If you are able you may be the one to follow the pain all the way to the bottom. However, you may realize you are in over your head and the most loving thing to do is direct this person to resources that will help bring them freedom and healing. You may be able to resolve the offense in the relationship, but the most loving thing you could do is encourage them to get to the bottom of the issue with someone more qualified.


2. “If he listens to you, you have gained your brother”

Note in this first step of dealing with sin in a relationship Jesus wants us to see something. He wants us to see the huge up-side of conflict. When the goer goes well and when the receiver receives well there is gain. He was your brother at the beginning of this encounter and at the end, but you have gained your brother. The sin that compromised the relationship or created the tension, distance and loss of joy has been dealt with.

Here are some words that describe how healthy conflict can be a blessing. It can be….
- Restorative
- Healing
- Deepening
- Maturing
- Enlightening
- Sharpening
- Strengthening

How has conflict, dealing with sin in a relationship been a blessing?
How has there been resolution but the relationship has never been the same?

Let me close with two key points of observation.

1. It is not conflict we should fear, it is poor conflict management we should fear. The enemy loves to leverage conflict/sin. But Jesus is saying, God can leverage sin and conflict for His Glory! Thus let’s pay attention to how Jesus tells us to be conflict competent!

2. Sin and conflict is at the heart of the gospel story. The conflict of sin represented by the cross brought about huge blessing. What looked grim and dark and like total defeat produced a REVOLUTION- the risen Christ!

Let’s pray the same for our relationships!
It’s on me and it’s on you to take responsibility and build healthy relationships.

Mark and Rhonda Kotchapaw

For those that want to discuss the other steps in this text regarding dealing with conflict, the following notes have been included.

NOTES

- Taking “one or two witnesses”
This was in keeping with Old Testament precedents, as in Deuteronomy 19:15.

- What does “tell it to the church” mean?
“What Jesus had in mind for the gathering of believers who should hear about the brother’s sin can he debated. In the first century, where communities were close-knit and the local churches were small house gatherings, everyone would naturally be a party to this problem. Because all might be affected by the brother’s sin, all church members should be warned of its danger. This way, all might be instrumental in helping bring the offender back to righteousness.” Weber, S. K. (2000). Matthew (Vol. 1, p. 293). Nashville, TN: Broadman & Holman Publishers.

Friday, April 15, 2016

Touching Base, Part 302

17 April 16
NEW Series - "Discipleship - The Life of Being an Apprentice" - Part 1
"Conflict Competence"



This is a useful tool for small group discussion, personal reflection or in a one-on-one conversation. We believe that if the Sunday teaching in this series is discussed outside the morning services, it will be an opportunity to go deeper and build community because God's Word needs to be discussed in community.

We start a series today that will help us define more clearly a key part of our vision, “Responding to the heart of God”. What does it look like to respond to God’s heart? At Bethel we have developed 5 key statements that help capture the essence of the heart of discipleship. They are broad enough to be inclusive of the vast scope of teaching in the area of discipleship, and yet they are specific enough to be understood as standalone statements.

They are:
• Diligently Seeking God
• Prayerfully Engaged
Relationally Healthy
• Biblically Measured
• Fully Committed to the Whole Gospel for the Whole World

We started the series by addressing relational health. Perhaps not the most or least important mark but, for many, the one that may represent the greatest amount of pain.

Q. Why would relational health be even considered as a mark of a disciple? As a group, review 1 John and find the number of times John talks about relational health. Then, as a group, read Matthew 22:36-40. Finally take some time to read Jesus’ prayer in John 17. Do you understand why this is such a key issue to address?

TEXT: MATTHEW 18:15

We are spending our time on v.15 because we believe that, if Christ followers honoured this first step of the four mentioned in v.15-17, we also believe that 95% of issues would be resolved. Perhaps as a group, you may want to develop the four steps for your own discussions. There are also some reference notes at the end of the TB.

Big Idea: It’s On Me! (In other words it is on us to take responsibility for relational health)

Our outline is Reckon, Rumble, and Revolution. We will discuss the first two today and save “Revolution” for the next week (with thanks to author and speaker Brené Brown for these three key words. We have taken them and applied them to this text.)

1. RECKON (“If your brother sins against you…”)

We need to own what has happened and take responsibility.

Note the pain of this process. The words “brother” and “sin” help us “feel” the text.

- Brother

This is a Christian brother or sister. Two people that have a certain amount of shared history.
Have you ever experienced deep pain in a relationship because of your close ties with the person?
How challenging can it be to” reckon”?

While Jesus is speaking of the church, many people live with deep pain because of family members or others they have loved and respected, and who have driven a dagger into their hearts. We can relationally bleed out at times.

- Sin

This word refers to the breaking of a moral law, and can refer to an offense or a serious shortcoming. This is an important word to take note of, for two reasons.

1. Jesus is not saying that, every time someone looks at you sideways, you’re to go to them (if someone is that sensitive then they may need some healing.) He is talking about a very serious situation that, if not resolved at this first level, will warrant taking the next step. There is a certain “gravitas” to this context. However, the principle of keeping short accounts and open dialogue in relationships, as implied in this text, needs to be heeded. We need wisdom and discernment.

2. The second reason this word is important to take note of is because of the pain issue - sin has been committed, and sin destroys relationships. Sin and pain often go hand in hand.

Note how sin introduces pain and brokenness on the vertical plane. Read Isaiah 59:2 and Psalm 51:12. What are key indicators that demonstrate relational breakdown? Talk about the implications of the Gospel at this point. Note that Jesus is the speaker in Matt 18, telling His church how to resolve relational issues - He has come to deal with the greatest and most serious relational breakdown. Sin has broken the relationship between man and God and now Christ comes as the Restorer, encouraging us to be restorers as well.

Q. How does an understanding of the Gospel story impact how you deal with relational health?
Q. How does being on the receiving end of the Restorer encourage you to be a restorer?


2. RUMBLE (“go and tell him his fault”)

How well do you “rumble”? God calls us to enter into the rumble of relationships at times - He doesn’t just give us a “pass” because it’s difficult. He knows that it can enrich and restore relationships, and so the difficulty of it is worth the investment.

This means both rumbling with ourselves (entering into the difficult emotions within ourselves as we prepare to go to our brother), as well as rumbling with our brother (the actual interaction between me and my brother).

Following are two imperatives we looked at in the “Rumble with Yourself” section of our talk, and which you can consider when you are being called into the rumble:

- Prayerfully Posture – Ask God to examine your heart

• Motives
o Am I acting out of a desire to be obedient?
o Do I want to see my brother/sister grow?
o Am I seeking unity where there’s disunity?
o Am I looking to put someone in their place?
o Am I frustrated and looking to vent?

• Humility vs Pride
o Do I recognize that I, too, have feet of clay and have examined my own heart?
o Do I recognize that, at this time, I am coming to you but that you may at some point need to come to me?
o Am I self-righteous and failing to see the log in my own eye?
o Am I judgmental and condemning?

• Manner
o Am I going in tenderness and thoughtfulness?
o Am I loading up to fire?

- Prayerfully Weigh - (some practical things)

• Weigh your choice of words
o Are they seasoned with salt?
o Are they gracious?
o Are they so vague that they won’t be understood?
o Are they so blunt as to be hurtful?

• Weigh the timing
o Don’t put off what God is calling you to do, but do consider the timing in terms of what is going on in the persons’ life (e.g. if they have just received bad news, you may want to wait a bit; are they in the middle of exams? etc.)

• Other Practical Things:
o Consider the place – privacy/volume, etc.

It is important to note that the instruction of Matthew 18:15 is couched between to stories: the story of the lost lamb, and the instruction to forgive “70 times 7”. These both illustrate the posture of tenacious grace and tenacious tenderness. Going to our “brother” in grace and love is critical and life-giving.

Next week, we will look at the Revolution piece of the equation.

Mark and Rhonda Kotchapaw

NOTES

- Taking “one or two witnesses”

This was in keeping with Old Testament precedents, as in Deuteronomy 19:15.

- What does “tell it to the church” mean?

“What Jesus had in mind for the gathering of believers who should hear about the brother’s sin can he debated. In the first century, where communities were close-knit and the local churches were small house gatherings, everyone would naturally be a party to this problem. Because all might be affected by the brother’s sin, all church members should be warned of its danger. This way, all might be instrumental in helping bring the offender back to righteousness.” Weber, S. K. (2000). Matthew (Vol. 1, p. 293). Nashville, TN: Broadman & Holman Publishers.

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Touching Base, Part 301

TB 301
Adjusting the Sails
10 Apr 16


This is a useful tool for small group discussion, personal reflection or in a one-on-one conversation. We believe that if the Sunday teaching in this series is discussed outside the morning services, it will be an opportunity to go deeper and build community because God's Word needs to be discussed in community.

I would love to have your input from this Sunday’s message. As a church we are in a season where we are more than ever Committed to the Vision, but we are Adjusting the Methods. If you did not hear this message I would encourage you to listen to it on the website -- you will get a better understanding of context.

As the strong winds of cultural change blow around us, all the leaders at Bethel are reviewing our methods: using the input of dozens (about 105 people), the labour of our working group, and the leadership of our Elders’ team, we are in a season of adjusting the “sails” so as to stay the course (that is, our vision: “Responding to the Heart of God; Transforming the heart of the City, the Nation and the world”.)

To help process what you heard on Sunday, I would encourage you to use this Touching Base to discuss the ideas presented, provide input to me if you wish (markkotchapaw@gmail.com), and then prayerfully engage as we move ahead.

As a church we are making great strides in many areas, but we are also wrestling with how to be more affective in our calling. The following are the four areas we are currently discussing, praying about, and in which we are looking to be more effective.

1. Discipleship

Definition: Someone who follows another person or another way of life, like an apprentice who submits himself to the teachings of that leader.

What are the winds of change in culture?
• The gap between what the church believes and what culture believes is wider than ever- this is the context of North America.
Talk about the gap that is growing between what the church believes and what the culture believes.
What are the particular issues where those gaps are very apparent?
How does this challenge the mandate of Jesus to make disciples?

• Attendance is less frequent for a growing number of attendees.
Statistics now demonstrate that increasing numbers of people are not as committed to the local church. One report says that people/Christians now attend church 25 Sundays of the year.
What is this indicative of?
How can this make being a discipleship community challenging?

2. Corporate Worship

Definition: Bethel Church will provide worship that is honouring to God as we seek to encounter and glorify Him as the gathered church. The church has always gathered because the church is inherently communal.

This is pivotal as we seek to establish our identity in the city and the corporate nature of our mission.
As a community, we are committed to being part of this transformation (by the Spirit) that is needed in the city, nation and world. All of our initiatives and ministry focuses demand a missional community that is engaged, contributing and investing. And as we do so, we offer up worship!

What are the winds of change in culture?
• Consumerism. Consumer Christianity asks, “What can I get from God?” It asks, “What’s in it for me?” That leads us to evaluate our church, our faith, our experience (and each other) according to our preferences and whims.

On Sunday I contrasted the images of a cruise ship (consumerism) versus a symphony (engagement). The church that is healthy works like a symphony. Talk about the contrast between these two images. How can our corporate identity and vision initiatives be hindered when people view the church like a cruise ship?

We are deeply grateful for the dozens and dozens of people that understand that the church is more like a symphony! However, as we move ahead and walk out our vision further, we are going to need to challenge more and more people to “get off the boat and into the symphony”.

3. Stewardship

Definition: Bethel Church, as a community of faith, will encourage its people to give of their time, talents and treasure to God’s service.

While stewardship is an umbrella term that refers to all of our resources, let me highlight the financial piece.

What are the winds of change in culture?
• The “steward” versus the “owner” - “It’s His!” versus “It’s mine!”

• Canada’s household debt levels keep breaking records.

Now add to that the fact that, as a pastor, I don’t like asking for money, PLUS the other winds of change already listed above and what do we have? The perfect storm. While we are grateful for the many who sacrificially give, what is hurting us is the many who do not. Very often in the local church, 20% of the congregation donate 80% of its income. These are capsizing numbers!

4. Outreach

Definition: Outreach is an outward focus, where Bethel comes alongside individuals and organizations to work collaboratively in bringing the Whole Gospel to our city, nation and world.

Individually, we are finding that increasing numbers (like me) find it challenging to communicate faith to a non-believing world. Many do not have meaningful relationships with people who do not follow Christ. We are, in many cases, very insular.

Corporately, we have several healthy, growing working relationships with organizations that extend our reach corporately as, together, we reach out and love the city, nation and world.

What is one wind of change in our culture that is challenging this area greatly?
• Declining trust in authority
“…people today, particularly unchurched people, start out with suspicion as their primary approach to the church and its leaders. More than ever, trust is earned slowly and lost instantly.” (Carey Nieuwhof, Lasting Impact: 7 Powerful Conversations That Will Help Your Church Grow)

Have you found personal outreach more difficult?
Talk about the relationships you have with people who don’t follow Jesus?
How could you be better equipped?
How do you deal with the trust issue?

HOW DO WE WANT YOU TO RESPOND? Here are some suggestions:

A. Process these key statements

Here are some statements that I am working through that will apply to you.

• I must be (we must be) humble and malleable.
Living with a posture of humility allows us to speak into each other’s lives as we stay committed to the vision but adjust the methods. No leader is above the voice of counsel that comes from the body.
“When you choose to be a leader you choose to grow in public.” I am growing, we are growing.

• I must be (we must be) prayerfully curious.
If our humility just leads us to listen to each other then we will capsize. For me, “prayerfully curious” is where we lock arms together, hearing each other and prayerfully engaging with the voice of the Spirit. It is where we are willing to think outside the box if that is where God leads us.

B. Ask these key questions (oh yeah… and answer them!)
• What does my part look like in this season at Bethel?
• What does “stepping up” look like while at the same time guarding my family, rest, study, relationships, and healthy margins?
• What does sacrificial giving look like? Time, Talent and Treasure.
• What does a renewed prayer focus look like?
• What does “speaking up” look like, that is redemptive and empowering?

C. Be Prayerfully Engaged - Join us on May 1 (Sunday afternoon) as we join together corporately to pray into these issues. More details to follow.

Mark Kotchapaw